Can I Ask You A Question?

If you have a toddler you know first hand the cringe worthy moments associated with the word why. If you have a curious and extremely smart toddler you are laughing with me right now. I have two. My Aria and Everly are at an age where they want to know everything. Usually my answers aren’t what they are wanting to hear, so they ask in a different way. Being as smart as they are, as curious as they are and as interested in all the things within our world, they ask, ask, and ask again. It feels as though it's every minute, of every hour, of every day and sometimes my head hurts.

Let me give you an example. A couple weeks ago, as I was pumping gas with the car windows down, the conversation went something like this:

Aria: “ Mom, can I pump the gas?”

Me: “No, you have to be 16 to pump gas.”

Aria: “Why?”

Me: “It’s the law in Pennsylvania.”

Aria: “Well, where does the gas come from?”

Me: “It is under the ground and then it comes up through the tube into the car.”

Aria: “ Why does the car need gas?”

Me: “ It needs it to go.”

Aria: “Well, what is gas like?”

Me: “...what do you mean?”

Aria: “Is it red?”

Me: “No, I think it's brown. I have never thought about that.”

Aria: “Well, what is it like?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Aria: “What is its consistency?”

Me: “It’s a liquid, so it flows through the tube into the car.”

Aria: “Well, why do you have to pay for it?”

Me: “That’s the way it is, Aria. Everything costs money.”

She then proceeded to ask how much things cost.

My husband, Adam, is the thinker in our family. While he is the smartest person I know, he is also one of the most patient. He reminded me that the girls are learning through the questions they ask and discovering life by asking. As their parents, we are to be their life teachers. Man, is that HARD. Sometimes, the lack of silence, the repeated questions, the desperation for answers, it all makes me want to run and hide.

In the few seconds of silence I have had in the last few weeks, I have been thinking a lot about this. It is as though it has hit me like a ton of bricks: the same way my curious toddlers question the world every day, is the same way I have been questioning God.

A few weeks ago I had a friend reach out to me and ask: “How is it that you never have any doubts?” It stopped me right in my tracks, as I laughed out loud.

Over the past year, I have been filled with doubt. Like I am with my toddlers, God is probably thinking “That daughter of mine is questioning me every minute, of every hour, of every day.”

It is true, I have had moments of desperation, moments of deep questioning, and moments I have forgotten my faith. My questioning is not a surprise to God. Like a parent, He knows that His children will ask questions to help discover the way.

In the world we live in today it is rare for mistakes to be admitted in fear of others' judgement, and the concept of questioning and doubt isn’t widely discussed. God knows we will question, and He uses our doubt to show us His faithfulness.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." James 1: 5-6

At one point in particular in our journey with childhood cancer, I was unsure if God was anywhere to be found. It was November, just before Thanksgiving. We had learned that the first round of chemotherapy wasn’t working for Aria Joy and that she would be treated with stronger, even more toxic medicines. To say it was brutal to watch would be an understatement. She would have chemotherapy at home a few days a week and then, we would travel weekly to the oncology clinic for more chemotherapy. Biweekly she would be sedated for chemotherapy directly into her spine. She completely changed. Her appearance wasn’t even a child that I recognized. Her cheeks looked so full. Her body didn’t move the way it did just a few months before. She slept a lot, and got tired easily.

On top of the new, high-risk treatment plan, Aria developed an infection. It happened quickly, we rushed her to the hospital, and she spent 2 weeks there. At this moment I realized that our lives were now consisting of ups and downs or more frankly, a series of “rock bottoms.”

Just yesterday, almost a year and a half from Aria's diagnosis date, we received more devastating news that Aria’s leukemia is returning again just six months after her bone marrow transplant. Today, I am full of questions.

It is at rock bottom that we question. It is at rock bottom that we search for answers. It is at rock bottom that we are angry, sad, and lose hope. But, it is at rock bottom that we can run to Jesus. Jesus doesn’t leave us if we question and he doesn’t run and hide, if we are angry, sad or hopeless. Jesus loves us still at rock bottom, and unlike me when my girls ask me tough questions, Jesus knows the answers and the outcome!

I know first hand that this can not be reassuring when you are in the midst of the pain. So, here we wait. We ask God why, just like my toddlers do to me every day. We beg for answers that we might not even get, and we hold on to any shred of hope that He can provide. We wait.

In the Bible, David wrote a beautiful note about his time of waiting. When life wasn’t going well, he had pains, he struggled and he waited for the Lord. David writes a cry for help, and then declares a belief in the greatness of God and puts his trust in the protection God provides.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked advance against me

to devour me,

it is my enemies and my foes

who will stumble and fall.

Though an army besiege me,

my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me,

even then I will be confident.

One thing I ask from the Lord,

this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the Lord

and to seek him in his temple.

For in the day of trouble

he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent

and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted

above the enemies who surround me;

at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;

I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Hear my voice when I call, Lord;

be merciful to me and answer me.

My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”

Your face, Lord, I will seek.

Do not hide your face from me,

do not turn your servant away in anger;

you have been my helper.

Do not reject me or forsake me,

God my Savior.

Though my father and mother forsake me,

the Lord will receive me.

Teach me your way, Lord;

lead me in a straight path

because of my oppressors

Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,

for false witnesses rise up against me,

spouting malicious accusations.

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.”

Psalm 27

What I am learning is that it is okay to question, and it's more than okay to seek Jesus for help to learn how to navigate this big scary world. What I am also learning is, just like we are waiting on God for help, God is waiting on us too.

God is waiting for us to surrender control and give our situations to Him. He is waiting to hear our cries for help to provide us comfort. He is waiting to show us His faithfulness. He is waiting for us to look to the Bible for hope and stories of His goodness revealed. Yes, the method to get there may be terrible but God is waiting for us to run to Him and trust Him even in the mess, just like David.

Can I ask you a question? In your mess, in your pain, in your time of uncertainty, at rock bottom, are you waiting for God? Are you questioning God? Are you running away from God? Are you running to God, waiting with Him and trusting Him?